I'm Sorry

“I’m sorry.” -I just listened to an episode of ‘This American Life’ where that was the theme. A whole hour about what those two words really mean. A few weeks ago I was reading The Vacuum and the theme was ‘Sorry’. In the news this week, there had been a row about how Tony Blair should or should not apologize for the wrongful arrest and imprisonment of a man who was held for a 1970s IRA pub bombing. There has also been quite a lot of news coverage about the Israeli/Palestinian peace talks, ceasefire. All this has gotten me thinking.

I know that there is a value in apology, in saying the words, ‘I’m sorry.’ I can remember distinctly back in Junior High one time a friend of mine was upset at me for something and although I can’t remember what I did or why it upset her, I can remember saying, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry”.
Her response was, “But you’re not apologizing. You have to say, ‘I apologize. Do you forgive me?’ Then it’s ok.”
I said, “I apologize. Am I forgiven?”
“Yes, now you are.”

At the time it seemed slightly odd, but now that I look back on it I think it’s really odd. I never did understand the difference between ‘sorry’ and ‘apologize’. As I consider that now, I get what my friend was digging for. She was looking for something that went beyond feeling: a state of mind that told her that I was feeling her loss, pain, grief. I wasn’t just sorry. I didn’t just regret my actions or what I had said, but I recognized the pain I caused her by those actions. I think she was looking for me to say, “Listen. I know I hurt you. That’s clear to me now. I am sorry I did it. I regret my actions. But more than that, more than just regret, more than my feelings of wronging you, is something more. I hurt you and now I have to deal with what that says about me. I apologize.”

And let me bring this diatribe back to why I’m writing it. In Belfast, there are generations of hurt. There are countless acts, thousands of them undocumented, of hurt, violence, threat, intimidation, racial and ethnic hostility. I am forced to realize that, “I’m sorry,” no matter who says it, would not be enough. Two signatures and a handshake can only do so much to this peace process. Peace here only starts with the matter of “I’m sorry.” There has to be someplace for it to go, because the cuts run deep here, 800 years deep.

Without something more than “sorry”, as Scripture says, the sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons. The sons and daughters of Northern Ireland know the sins of their parents, but perhaps more-so, they know the sins of others. They know what happened on this street, when this group, came and did that. They know that so-and-so was shot in the kneecaps by them because so-and-so was trying to date a girl from that street over there.

That brings me to the question at hand for me, and I daresay for anyone who has deliberately or unintentionally hurt another and wants to make amends. If “I’m sorry,” can’t do it, if “I apologize,” won’t cut it, and if that relationship is vital, valuable, and important to you…what do you do? What can I do? Working this year in restorative practice and restorative justice has helped me to see the world beyond, “I’m sorry.”

I think what ought to be done, what I ought to do is try to mend those relationships with a restorative approach. I need to say to the person or people I hurt, “I have to tell you that I’m sorry. I don’t know how you feel, but I know that I was in the wrong. I earnestly want to make it right. I want to fix this relationship as best I can. I want to mend the damage I have done as completely as possible.”

Restoration of relationships, both personally and politically, must be more than the apology. Restoration is a commitment to the other person or group that you are willing to give of yourself, your time, your emotion, your energy, to sacrifice for the other. More-so, the sacrifice is for the eventual betterment of the relationship.

And I think that in this process, ‘the other’ has some responsibilities as well.

Addressing ‘the other’: You are the one who had been hurt, wronged, damaged. Yours was the window through which the rock was thrown. You were made to feel vulnerable, foolish, alone, devalued. You have legitimacy to feel how you do. Beyond that, you have the right to consider what repairing this relationship will mean. You must analyze the cost of forgiveness, of reconciliation, of restoring your broken relationship. What may be hardest in this for you, is the self-examination you do, asking yourself, “Did I do something to bring this on?” The offender has come forward, admitted wrong and is seeking reconciliation. In America, we might say, “The ball is in your court.” As the victim, what steps will you take to help the offender fulfil his/her obligation to you?

I believe we are called to live in unity. We are called to forgive, and to be thankful at being forgiven. (This is especially true when you do not ‘deserve’ such forgiveness.) In our own creation story never do Adam and Eve say, “We are sorry.” And perhaps that is what we are striving to amend daily…we try and try to mend our broken relationships with God and our broken relationships with each other. I pray that we open ourselves up to the power of reconciliation with God, who is all-forgiving. I desire that we find peace within ourselves for the hurt we have caused others, and with all those around us who have hurt us. May we spend our lives seeking peace and re-building fallen relationships.

I recall a television show I watched growing up, where the hero each week was, “…striving to put right, what once went wrong…” I endeavour for that to be my mission here and now, that my life and actions may heal and put right those things that I have had a hand in putting wrong.